


Missing Your Smile

by all_of_the_trash



Category: Cyndago (YouTube RPF), Markiplier (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Dreams and Nightmares, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Suicide, the static speaks my name
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-06
Updated: 2016-02-06
Packaged: 2018-05-15 18:40:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5795602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/all_of_the_trash/pseuds/all_of_the_trash
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mark is the first to return to LA after Daniel's death. We all deal with grief in our own ways, but Mark quickly regrets choosing to come back on his own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Missing Your Smile

**Author's Note:**

> I usually hate to drop the sadness when I first come in, but this was important to me. I wish I could say that I watched Cyndago before Daniel died, and I wish I could say I was there to support the rest of the fandom and share your suffering, but I wasn't. I've only joined the fandom recently, so this is my tribute to the beautiful young man who made Mark and Ryan, and by extension us, who we are today.

***Mark's POV***

The flight back to LA from Cincinnati was difficult to say the least. It was hard to be home with my family, away from the people who most needed the love I needed to give them. My mother tried to comfort me as best she could, holding me close and calling the dogs over to surround me. I took no joy in them, no matter how much I wanted to. My mother had given me breath, and I could never deny that, but Daniel gave me life. She gave me a heart, and he gave me love to fill it with. She gave me muscle; he gave me strength. Suddenly he was gone and I realized how much I had depended on him, the worst part being that he evidently never realized how much he could depend on me.

To keep me further trapped in the hell I was in, for some reason I remembered my father's death. The way he lay there helpless on the floor, a soldier conquered by a single errant cell. Everything about this was worse. I had known my father was dying; people don't exactly walk away from cancer every day. My father made it known with his dying breath that he loved me, and I was there to hold his hand and make him feel surrounded until the end. Daniel was as I am now: surrounded, yet alone until the day he decided to end it all. My father's death had inspired my purpose, which was always to save and improve lives with whatever I could do. Daniel's death has made me question if I've even begun to accomplish my purpose. What do I matter if I can't even see or help those clos-

The buckle-your-seatbelt sign with its customary ringing interrupted my thoughts. I looked out the window and realized that we would soon touch down at LAX and I'd be back in my own home, away from the constant noise and the people with their "how do you feel?"'s and their "I know what it's like"'s. Somehow, this might be harder, but at least it will be different. I'd finally be alone, for better or for worse.

Walking through the airport for a while, I regretted dyeing my hair so recently. The fluffy garden of bubblegum pink may as well have been a billboard announcing my presence to the whole city. I wished instantly that Ryan and Matt were back here with me, but it wouldn't be fair. They were hurt by this more than I was, and using them as a human shield seemed just really dickish right now. I chose this. This is my battle.

I stopped for what felt like an hour outside my door.  _Our door._ My door. I could have put this off longer and not returned alone. I could have even waited for Matt and Ryan to come back so that I would have someone to come home to. Why did I come back?  _Your fans need you, Markimoo._ Yeah, well, Daniel needed me too. I couldn't even help my roommate, why should I believe that I could do anything for 9 million people around the world? It was over. I was done. I'd just wait for Ryan and Matt to get here to talk about moving back, and I'd be back at home and finishing school like I should have just done in the first place.

As I stepped into the apartment that we had shared for so long, I could almost imagine that he would come back. Maybe if I just forgot it all, I could imagine that he'd come back with Ryan and Matt with a ton of new ideas and scripts that he'd rewrite a dozen times before the end of filming. Maybe I could avoid it, but would it be worth ripping open the wound again when everyone else but him came home? No. I have to be strong for them. Maybe that's my purpose for the next few weeks at least. Stay strong for them.

Yeah, that's it. It makes perfect sense. Daniel's gone now, and there's nothing any of us can do to change that. We just need to celebrate his life and continue on as if he's still here, cheering us on from behind the camera. I can't be sad as long as he's happy now. Even if he's not happy, he's not suffering. He's better off without us.

Without me.

I slunk into my room early that night, eyes on the ground the whole way there. I didn't even want to look at any part of what used to be our home, but was now only the place where he decided to end it all. I guess the only way to get through this is to ignore it. I shuffled to my bed and picked a randomized playlist from my phone, intending to ride out the waves of constant music until I could pretend that none of this ever happened. My covers rustled as I instantly fell into a deep sleep.

* * *

  _I_ _rose from my bed and surveyed my room. It suddenly seemed bare and harsh, and my mind was on a singular track._ Look around the room.  _For what? Has something changed? Well, it can't hurt to try. I walked around and noticed no differences, when suddenly the thought was replaced._ Chat online with friends.  _Frankly, I'd rather not. Besides, it's three in the morning. Oh well. Might as well check._

_A light flicked on next to my big brother's name. "Hey there Mark, are you okay?" As a matter of fact, I'm not, but if I could tell anyone right now it would be him, right?_

_"Not at all. I can't stay here alone, Tom. This place feels haunted and completely void without Daniel."_

_"Pfft, typical Mark. You overreact to everything. Let me know when you're sane again, aight?"_

_No Tom no THOMAS PLEASE FUCKING LISTEN TO ME I NEED YOU RIGHT NOW._

Explore the other rooms.  _Like hell I was going to. This is my house and I know every inch that I care to. I'm going back to bed now... since when is my bedroom door closed? And why can't I get in? I frantically try every door until the only one I never wanted to try opens. Daniel's room is untouched, other than the overwhelming sense of dread and smell of death. An electric guitar sat on its stand with the initials DLK etched into the top of the fretboard. Next to the guitar, a poster hung on the wall with the words "A person is like a teabag; you can't know his strength until he is in hot water._

_Wait. This isn't right. It's familiar, but it's not right. I struggled to place the sickening feeling of Deja vu when it hit me with the next overpowering thought..._

Let your body rest.

* * *

"NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!" I woke up screaming in a cold sweat. Sure, this wasn't the first time gaming had affected my dreams, but this game had no place being in my mind right now. I closed my eyes to try to clear the image, but all I could imagine was the loading screen adjusted to include my name and age. Shivering despite the covers and the weather, I tried to focus on the playlist, still going, to refocus my thoughts. Restarting the current song, I laid back and tried to just focus. 

" _Where has the starlight gone? Dark is the day. How can I find my way home?"_ You've gotta be fucking kidding me. This was going to be a long night.

 _"I know that the night must end, and that the sun will rise. I know that the clouds must clear, and that the sun will shine."_ Maybe that song wasn't as bad as I had remembered. Even if it was, they couldn't get any worse than that, right?

 _"Lost in the darkness, silence surrounds you. Once there was morning, now endless night..."_ I can't fucking take this anymore. Daniel was gone and suddenly the whole world had turned on me. Boiling with rage, I tore into the hallway and stormed to his door, pounding my fists with all my weight against the barrier that was now forever closed.

"YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKWAD!" I shouted through my tears, probably waking the neighbors. I didn't care anymore. "We could have worked through this together, but you just had to do it all yourself, didn't you? Just couldn't wait to make your big dramatic exit. Couldn't even wait for the rest of us to wake up..." I was on the brink of sobbing, and I was almost certain there were splinters in my hands from the door. Crumpling into a pathetic heap on the floor, I let the flood of tears overtake me. "I wish I hadn't even woken up that morning."

"Me too, buddy. Me too."

For the first time in all the years I'd known him, I tensed at the sound of Daniel's voice. He had no right to be here, and there was no way in hell I would let him see how much I was hurting. After all, that is what he had done to me. After taking a second to steady my breathing, I stood up to my full height and wrung his neck, pinning him against the eggshell wall, somehow still darker than his skin.

"You don't belong here." I growled with a bit too much ferocity. He met my eyes with an intensity I had never seen from him before, without a hint of his customary mischief.

"Really now. I suppose it's a good thing I'm dead then; I'd hate nothing more than to be where I'm not wanted." His voice was like a razor going through my heart, free of his smiling tone and full of sarcastic malice. Before I could even blink, I had pulled him into my arms and was holding onto him as though bringing him back into life.

Feeling that I could let my guard down, I let the tears flow freely into his shoulder. "Daniel, Daniel I'm so sorry, I've missed you, dammit I'm so sorry..."

"Hey." He backed up to look me in the eyes, and I realized that his face was clear of the acne that had always troubled him, his hair was once again bright auburn, and he wasn't wearing glasses. "You don't need to be sorry for anything. This was all my fault and I could have prevented it. Please Mark, you have to believe me on this."

I stared deep into his blue-green eyes. He glowed with a peace I had never seen from him before, and it unnerved me slightly. "If you could have prevented this, why didn't you?" The sobs were creeping back into my voice, and I had neither the will nor the energy to hold them back. "Why not? Why wouldn't you?" My knees buckled as I tried to hold him close again, collapsing into his chest.

"Whoa buddy, first let's get you sitting down." He began to open the door to his room, but I shuddered vigorously in protest. Even with him here, I couldn't be in there just yet. He read my signal and guided me to the top of the stairs where we both sat, him leaning into the railing and me hunched over and hugging my knees. He took a deep, steady breath before answering me. "Mark, I know you love space. You know how you've seen pictures of Pluto from NASA, but it's too small and far away to see from your telescope?" I studied him curiously, unsure of what he meant. "If you spend too much time looking through your own telescope, you might eventually forget that Pluto is there and you know what it looks like. Well, that's like my happiness. I spent so much time focusing on where I was that I forgot that happiness was probably in reach, even though I couldn't see it yet. I made the mistake of assuming that this time it wouldn't get better."

I gaped in disbelief. "So why didn't you ask for help? I would live forever without any friends if it meant you would still be alive."

Dan smiled warmly, once again with that uncomfortable sense of peace. "I suppose I knew that; I just didn't believe it. I figured that I had asked too much of you guys already, and I didn't want to be a burden." He sighed deeply, his expression showing signs of age far beyond his years. This kid had grown up to be like a baby brother to me, and it killed me to see how much his depression had worn him down. Suddenly, his face lit up with a mischievous smirk that I hadn't seen in far too long. "Wipe your face man, your buttholes are starting to tear up again."

For the first time in weeks, I began to cry from laughing. He let go of the railing and leaned back on the stairs; I followed suit and lay my head near his shoulder. "I'm really gonna miss you, Danny boy."

He smiled down at me. "Why should you have to? I'll only really be gone if you forget me. As long as you remember me, the impact I had on you, and the impact you've had on me, I'll always be with you. Just because you can't see me doesn't mean I won't be there." He followed me as I sat back up, facing him this time and a bit closer.

"Why are you here now?"

"You needed me."

"What about the others?"

"You mean Ryan and Melissa? I'll be there when they need me, which I'm sure will happen eventually. But you needed me to be with you here now. Ryan has his family, and soon he'll have you. Melissa has our family and her friends. You were alone out here, and I couldn't let it stay that way." His fingers twitched along his shin as though it was a fretboard as he looked for something more to say. "Take care of Ryan, okay? He's gonna need you a lot when he comes back. Matt too, but Ryan more. There isn't a soul who knows him like I did, so stay by his side as he rebuilds himself." There was an awkward silence as we stood up. He took one last look around our home, then centered his eyes on mine again. "If you really miss me, get a dog you goof. It'll have the same effect." Another pause before sobering up. "Just don't forget me, okay?"

I took a step toward him with a bittersweet smile. "Of course. I'll never forget you, Donnie."

He rolled his eyes in mock disgust. "Fuck you, Silver Shepherd."

"You too, Blank."

"Ed Edgar."

"Four-eyed freak."

"Back at you."

I wrapped him up in my arms one last time, not knowing when or where or if I would ever see him again. That moment could have lasted the rest of my life and it still would have been over too soon. With one last look into my soul from his ocean-blue eyes, He smiled and placed a lingering kiss on my cheek, a gesture he usually reserved for Ryan. "I'll miss you, brother. You're the bomb."

The next time I opened my eyes, it was morning. I was back in my own bed in my own room. Had all of this really been a dream? I had to check his door to be certain. It was undamaged... but open. Summoning all my courage and taking a deep breath, I stepped in cautiously.

The walls were covered in sound-reducing foam with a couple of posters. I would not allow my fear and guilt to overtake me again. This was more than just the place where he died, this is where he lived. It wasn't merely a tomb; this place was a home, a temple. I stumbled for a second and accidentally hit the mouse of his computer. What came up as the lockscreen was nothing other than an old selfie back from Danger in Fiction. Seeing the three of us together gave me hope for the future. Every part of us then had been his idea, his passion, his motivation. I was going to carry on for him.

**Author's Note:**

> Song credits: Endless Night from The Lion King  
> Lost in the Darkness from Jekyll and Hyde  
> The game Mark dreams of is The Static Speaks my Name. I own nothing.


End file.
